Dear Madame Olivia:
All things are pointed in the right direction when it comes to the romance that I share with my boyfriend. I love him, he loves me. He cares for my son, and gives him support and advice. It’s great to see them interact, and relate to one another. I enjoy listening to them talk, and I too gain insight into my 14 yr old, as well as share in their bonding. It is fun.
I have noticed a shift in my bf’s emotions. A good shift. He has been making gestures towards children. Earlier in the relationship he said that he loves kids, but feels that he would do a great disservice to the child if he were to have one now, because of his age… but I think he may be having other thoughts lately. Is it possible that I might be getting an invitation to the alter for marriage and start a family? I am not going to ask him, and I certainly do not want to push him. I want to wait and see, but is there something that Madame sees in my future that may give me a hint? I am 44 and my bf is 51. It is the first time in over 10 years that I have been with someone that is older than me… and I love it. We are good together, so if he were to ask, I would accept.
Madame Olivia loves your letter and the language you use to describe your situation, especially “the romance that I share with my boyfriend” and “he cares for my son”! You use the phrase “start a family” but it seems you already have one, and a terrific one at that, everybody included and getting along so well. Fantastic. Madame Olivia can see that you know what you have and her first inclination is to suggest simply that you sit with it and enjoy it fully.
A second option is a bit different, a kind of putting-it-out-to-the-universe model, where you continue to be mindful of what’s going on with him and kids, but consciously mindful. Things can happen with this kind of heightened mindfulness, for example, you might find yourself smiling at him when you both see a cute baby. This indirect approach can be powerful, as it creates a field that makes it easier for him to speak and be open.
That said, it would be nice if you could talk about future possibilities. Things seem to be working so well that Madame Olivia doesn’t want to rock the boat, and as you say, you don’t want to ask him and don’t want to push him, and as you know him your sensibilities are the guide here, but a very gentle invitation to talk could be wonderful. Such an invitation might occur in a contented and peaceful moment and might even sound like “I notice you paying a lot of attention to babies and little kids lately.” Make it a truly exploratory and agenda-free invitation. You of course will express your feelings and desires when the moment comes, and knowing you, Madame Olivia suspects it will be gently done. Wouldn’t it be funny if he’d been wanting it and thought you didn’t! Making sure everybody’s on the same page (or not) is one argument in favor of saying something, and another is to get the ball rolling, as it is better to begin working on the project now, while it is still so eminently doable.
Madame Olivia loves the way you think: people who know what they have are rare. (And by the way, your bf is a lucky man and it’s no accident you are together.) You deserve continued happiness and Madame Olivia is sending her most potent karmic encouragement. All the best to you, dear Wondering.